I am going to write a book...

and the title will be something like "parenthood is H*ll, but you won't die," going on the same theme as "go the f*ck to sleep." It won't be a children's style book written for parents, but it will be a a memoir of a mother written to mothers about the holy h*ll parenthood is, how unfun it is, how you don't have this burst of love, and how you naturally regret the life changes that slap you in the face. Because let's face it, far too many women hide behind the stereotype of being a "perfect" loving mother that just had so much love within to even explain it. But you tell me, you really are in love with this 6lb baby sucking the life out of you? Do you not miss your sleep? Do you not miss just getting up and going? It's natural to feel as if you ruined your life. Can you imagine what a woman who's dealing with all these changes, a surge in fiery hormones, and then suddenly also have the guilt of feeling like she's a horrible mother for not falling in love. Top that with the continuous "It's the best thing in the world," and you have yourself a cocktail for disaster! Face it women, we are doing each other a diservice by perceiving this love to other women when one (not all)  may not feel that instant connection.

If one person would like to give me arguments about this, fine. I'm open to it, but just like it's a free world for you to speak, I live in that same world.

My mother broke it down to me quite simply: "did you fall in love with Martin when you first met him? No. It's a gradual love. A love that builds and grows. Same with a baby. You don't know this child and then this baby comes and takes every ounce of energy out of you and you get nothing in return." The day I told my mom I didn't instantly love Maya, was the day she kicked some knowledge of the bond of parenthood. I appreciate her honesty. As afraid as I was to tell her, I was relieved to know it was NORMAL.

So this is my testament - the beginning of this catalog and chapter of one year of mother hood. The ups, the many downs, and how far we, as in Maya and I, have come as mother and daughter. one year may not seem like a lot to some, especially those non parents. But in one year, I learned so much about myself, my mothering, my baby, and what it is that starts a bond.

I won't sit here and be a disservice to others by saying my heart burst with love for Maya, but I love her. In my own special way. Our love is building. She reaches to me when she needs me, has learned to give me kisses and snuggle with me. All these small gestures, remind me that this little person loves me purely. Life will continue, and we will grow.

So this is more to any readers, if you didn't fall in love, not everyone does. If you regret what you did, so did I so you aren't alone. If you want to give them away, that's fine too. But just don't shake them or launch them out the window. Things get easier, love gets more obvious, and it really does get a little more fun as time goes by.

So who wants to sponsor or donate to my book?